random rambles// personal stuff idk
hi guys (im not assuming your gender... i call everyone guys, dont @ me)
i was sitting here wondering what i should post on my blog and then i was just like "welp, might as well post something random, maybe some rambles, maybe some personal shtuffs" so here we are.
i guess i will start by saying that, i have been very, very sad, for a very, very long time. and also, depression runs in my family (like gee thanks). sometimes i understand why i am sad, other times i dont. somedays something upsetting happens, i overthink, i see things i wish i hadnt, and then i get sad. understandable, i would think.
but some days...i wake up and it slaps me in the face. i look at the world around me, at the smiling faces and the giggles and the carefree talk and i hate it. i hate how the world can be so happy when im so not. i hate how i cry and cry and cry for no reason. how when im all alone i just think. i think so much i wish i had an off button in my head. i wish i could mute myself and bury deep inside apathy.
some days i walk around in a daze and at the end of the night im wondering how i even managed. i tend to compartmentalize my thoughts so maybe they wont affect me. i paste on a smile, i push the thoughts far far away, i laugh at the right times and giggle through the tears. there have literally been times where i am talking to someone, and suddenly i feel tears coming, i feel my smile faltering and i break down. ive had to run away from awkward situations many a time. and many times a person has had to put their arms around me and ask "whats wrong?"...
and i have no answer. i dont want them to pay attention to me, contrary to popular belief. i want to walk away and i want them to let me walk away. i only cuddle up to the people who, i know have dealt with depression before. because only they understand. i need to spill my thoughts but to the right person. so yeah, there is a little fun fact about me, the blogger. and sometimes thats why i dontn post as often, or i post some deeper writings. i am not trying to be angsty, im trying to make my thoughts make sense.
i do have faith though, that God can work through this trial. im sad, yes...but i have hope. when i get down, He helps me out. and i can say that the things i have been through have made me more sensitive to Him and His Word. and now, maybe i can be a blessing to others who feel alone. i can comfort them...
and i guess that is all i wanted to share. i love all my regular viewers, thanks for sticking around:)
xx, seiji