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random rambles// a new chapter


hi guys!!!!!! so today is Christmas day, and it was tons of fun, except...i got sick. one of my tonsils is super swollen, my head is pounding, and i slept for majority of today. but im feeling better, and kinda bored. so im going to share some things that are changing in my life, and my emotions towards all those things;)

okay so firstly, im moving.

now, i have moved a lot in my life, as i drive through the streets of houston, i can point out at least 5 places i used to live or spent my summers at, and in the suburbs of houston, i can point out many, many more. and old public schools, my parent's old jobs, the hospital i was born at in the heart of downtown, etc. i have moved a lot, but typically within the same area when i was younger...then to fort hood when i got older...then oklahoma for 7 months. so although i have moved a lot, i havent traveled much....in fact im currently living in the neighborhood behind my old apartments when i was like 5 years old haha. houston is my town, i was born downtown, lived there until i was 5, moved to fort hood and oklahoma for 4 and a half years, then moved back to houston. i have been in houston for majority of my life, and even when i lived in fort hood, i visited houston. my family all lives here, my dad and nonno came here from venezuela when my dad was 13, my mom was born and raised in houston, and never, ever moved. we all love houston. we love the astros (go 'stros!!), we are super used to the intense humidity and heat (guys its in the mid 60's today lol), we have our favorite places to eat, we all are full of love for our hometown.

but then my dad got a good job offer...in oregon. when i first heard it, i was sure it wouldnt happen. we had gotten other job offers that would move us before, but it hadnt ever happened. so i didnt worry, didnt think about it. then my dad passed the over the phone interview, and i started getting super nervous. i loved texas, i loved houston, i loved my church, i loved my besties. i had never known anywhere else to be my true home, i had never wanted to leave it. at the time i was going through a lot, so the news that i was moving really shook me. i became even more depressed. i told my mom that i was moving back to houston as soon as i was old enough. and my dad saw me hurting and said "well, maybe i wont take it." but even as he said those words, i felt no peace. and i knew my dad felt no happiness in staying here, where he didnt have a good job. i knew my entire family would be in better care in oregon, with a nice job at the computer chip company, intel. so i prayed. i prayed to God and this is what i said, "Lord, in scripture you promise to give us the desires of our heart. you tell us that you long to give us what our heart wants. so i pray, trusting in that promise, that you change the desires of my heart to be in line with your will. i pray that you give me insight and your eyes in this matter. and that you help me desire what your will is." and guys, He did.

i remember slowly, over the course of about a week, i started finding myself wanting to go to oregon. i began looking it up and seeing the beauty of nature and the church my mom picked out, and i started telling my mom "i love houston, but it would be so exciting to move to oregon." and so finally, the day for my dad's last interview came, and he passed it. he burst into the room and yelled "we are moving to oregon!!!" and instead of crying and being angry, i was smiling. and shaking with joy. and texting all my friends.

so yeah, we are moving to oregon around this time if not a little earlier, next month. they told my dad that he starts feb. 4th. and even as i write this im so super excited. im sad, but somehow relieved.

as much as i love houston, and all the amazing memories i have here, sometimes i look around and all i see is pain.

i see places i hate, people i want to get away from, bittersweet memories of my uncle and i, playing at the park i just drove past. i see the place where i first went to prom and fell in love with my ex-boyfriend. i see the hospitals that never did anything to help my mom. i look around our house even...and i see the wheelchair in my moms closet, reminding me of the days when she couldnt walk. i see the closet that i cried in when my ex-boyfriend told me i was too hard to love. i see the desk where i wrote so many journal entries, writing about my depression and how i wish i knew what caused it. i see the pantry that i would open sometimes, and see nothing to eat but a few stale tortillas. i see the couch that the babies would sit on and watch tv for hours while i tried to cook dinner while my dad was at work and my mom was sick. outside i see the roof that i would climb on with my secret phone and not let my parents know. when i walk across the street, i remember the day my mom walked over and told me my uncle was dead. i love houston, so fiercely and truly, but houston hasnt loved me and my family back. a lot of hard things happened here, a lot of people i wish i never met, places i wish i never went, and words i wish i hadnt said. a lot of hurt i had never ever known could exist, and drama that i never wanted.

but i also see the island, where me and grace first became besties, and the kemah boardwalk that my sister and i went to all the time. i go through downtown and think of me and courtney. i see my dad's wedding venue. i see the gift shop i bought my anklets from, i see the cafes, and thrift stores my mom and i always shopped and ate at. i see the many, many stores i embarrassed myself in. i see the candy store i was obsessed with. i see the skyline and remember the times when i was a little girl and i longed to live in the heart of it all. i see the minute maid stadium and remember all the times i would wave the venezuelan flag for jose altuve. i see the coffee shop grace and i went to the first time she ever went to thrift stores. i see my backyard and remember all the photoshoots i did back there. i see the church ive been going to for years and i cant help but smile because amazing memories happened there. i remember my pastor bringing us food, i remember hannah taking pictures of knox when he was a newborn. i remember laughing so hard i cried with my tia elena. i remember all the beautiful things this city has given to me and my family.

but its time to move on.

alot happened this past month and a half.

he didnt want me anymore, i didnt want to move, i fell into deep depression. but amid all of that, i see a beautiful, glowing hope. when i say im truly happy, im not lying. i see this past year as a year of sharpening. i see my biggest mistakes and my beautiful growth. im so strong, and its only because God gave me the strength. but i see my mom's illness, our financial problems, my intense depression, and even the breakup, and im just speechless. "i did it." i keep thinking. at the end of 2018, with all the heartbreak, drama, pain, backstabbing, self loathing, hurt i didnt know could exist, im still standing. im still happy, im confident. im overjoyed. im proud of myself.

AND NOW I GET TO START A NEW CHAPTER!!!!

i get to move away from the hurt. i wont see layton anymore, i never have to remember how many times i cried in my closet by just looking at it. i never have to drive past places that just flood my mind with memories. i dont have to look around my house and remember the pain it held for so many years. i get to move to a new place, where no one knows me, and i get to start again. i get to live my life with the knowledge i know now. i will hold my head up high and shine the love God has given me all around. i will let other people see me for who i am. i will not be ashamed of myself. i will smile big, jump up and down when im excited, and not let people who tear me down get in my way. my identity is in Christ. and im wholly confident in that.

i keep hearing God tell me, "you can be confident in me. you show love to others with the love im showing you. you are stronger than you think, and i will always be next to you. i have called you higher than heartbreak, dramatic friends, uncontrollable depression. rest in me, pursue me, and the rest follows." im so ecstatic to be moving!!!! i will be getting an instagram soon and documenting my times in oregon. im beyond excited to see what new adventure God wants me to on with Him. its such an honor to know what God wants from me and letting myself be open to new possibilities. im ready to live freely, love loudly, and meet the people God wants me to meet:")

i will miss you houston, but you will not miss me.


i looked into the church my mom picked out, there are a lot of teenagers, and they have retreats and camps and tons of ministry outreaches.

i will finally be able to travel, and i already have trips planned for the next year or two (stay tuned)

oregon has so many things to do, so many amazing parks and hills and mountains to ski on. im so ready for a change from the texas heat and lack of hill/mountain scenery.


in conclusion: im happier than i have been in a while, i know my worth, i know my strengths. im truly confident for once. im excited to move on and forget and start over. as sad as it sounds, i want to forget. never thought i would say that, but its true. maybe in 10 years when im married to the love of my life and surrounded by good friends, i will tell my kids about my experience and hopefully help them out.

i love everyone who is reading this, even if you dont think i do:) and the Lord loves ya too!!!

xx, seiji

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