2018 review
i have never done a real year review where i sat down and typed out my year in detail, but its been on my heart to do so. to talk about my year at length and all the happy times, sad times, and funny times. and i will probably be laughing and smiling and crying a bit as i type this. i have touched on this before, but this year was the happiest year of my life, and it was also the saddest year of my life. and as much as 2018 hurt me, i can proudly look back and call it an beautiful year. an amazing year. the best year of my life. here we go!
january//
i learned how to be alone. the year was fresh, slow, calm. i kinda think about it as the calm before the storm. i stayed home a lot, trying to learn to play the uke (with no success), redecorating my room, singing, painting, and doing two classes. i was also going to the gym almost every day, and it was a release for me. i met a girl named alyssa. she became my first new friend this year and an amazing study partner. we ended up laughing a lot instead of studying. i remember i couldnt stop listening to "cant get enough" by basenji. and i also saw the greatest showman and i was obsessed. but behind the scenes, i was incredibly depressed. now, i have dealt with severe depression since i was about 10 years old. but i had never experienced the pure darkness of it like this year. i remember sobbing in the shower, scratching and clawing at my skin, trying to rip the sadness out. but after i would weep for hours, i would pretend nothing happened. and go about my life, trying to learn to live with it.
february//
another simple, calm month in the beginning. i learned how to do the makeup that flattered my features best, learned to love bright, orange and yellow eyeshadows. i got into photography. i was in my room constantly trying to work with my string lights for cool pictures. i saw my friend hannah (no, not banana) a lot. i remember my favorite song was "little uneasy" by fazerdaze. and weirdly enough, my mother started feeling weaker that month. it wasnt that big of a deal then, but she started feeling more dizzy and had to lay down a bit more often. but it didnt scare me much. i was so depressed that i thought i was losing my sanity. and to this day i couldnt tell you why.
march//
the month things changed quite a bit. firstly, my boyfriend came over to my house for the first time, and we started going over to each other's houses very very often. i remember we watercoloured and then went to the park with my little brothers. that month i also went to kemah boardwalk with him and some other friends. we got ice cream and rode rollercoasters. and the slow, calm pattern suddenly broke.
my mom became so weak she could barely walk somedays. her heart would skip beats. or she would have heart palpitations. she was scared to go to sleep by herself, so i would stay awake all night and talk with her, brush her hair, sleep next to her. my dad had to take a long time off of work to help me. my aunt was always over, helping us with the kids. it was depressing. seeing my beautiful, strong mama crying and terrified. but i had no clue that it was just the beginning, that we hadnt faced the worst of it. i stopped going to the gym. but i remember my favorite song was "disciples" by tame impala and "oh i do" by wengie.
april//
my mom had her good days and bad days. but it wasnt as bad as it would get, not yet. me and courtney spent almost everyday together, since my mom seemed to be getting better. we started working for favor, delivering food for some extra cash. we did everything together. and we ate a TON. we saw each other almost every single day, and the days we were apart we couldnt wait to see each other again. and then it was time for prom. my mom insisted on buying the ticket even though my boyfriend had offered. i bought a pink dress and me and my boyfriend had a lot of trouble trying to find a matching tie (we never found a matching tie btw) and prom was fun. it wasnt the best time ever, but it was fun. april was sort of a whiff of the calmness march had taken away. honestly april is a big blur of chickfila, courtney, and prom preparation. i dont recall my fave song, but i do recall screaming the greatest showman soundtrack lyrics at the top of my lungs at least 6 times that month.
may//
my friends all graduated and had parties. i remember doing the party rounds all on one saturday. i also finally hung out with alyssa outside of school. we went to the mall all day. me and my sister jc went to kemah and got on the bullet like 9 times. i finally really talked to grace and abigail. they told me we should take classes together, asked about my boyfriend, and told me we should take a road trip together. i was kinda overwhelmed by how friendly they were, but i loved it. and i agreed. me and grace and abigail said we were going to hang out again. my mom was starting to get worse that month. i remember her calling me as i arrived at a grad party and saying "if i feel any worse you are gonna have to come back home." she started using a wheelchair to get around. but as long as she sat down, she was fine. my little brother trip had lip surgery and my mom had to borrow a hospital wheelchair because she couldnt walk. i remember that day clearly, because it was the day that my teacher emailed me, telling me that i earned two outstanding student awards for both my classes. i was so happy i told some random ladies that were sitting in the waiting room with me. i cant remember what my favorite song was.
june//
things got good and bad. june 2nd i went to hang out all day with grace, whom i had never really hung out with before. we went to the island and swam all morning, then went to the public restrooms and changed into cute dresses and had lunch at the strand and ice cream at the old ice cream store. then we changed back into our swim clothes and swam until the sun started setting. it was a magical day. we hadnt ever hung out before, but at the end of that day we both felt like we had known each other for so long. we vowed to do it again. and trust me, we did. but my mom was getting bad. really bad. there were countless times that i was woken up at three in the morning, my dad urgently telling me that my mom was going to the ER and he needed me awake. i remember that every time that happened i would give my mom a long hug because i didnt know what was going on. my mom was bed bound, couldnt even get up to use the restroom. at night she would tell me she thought she was going to die. and i tried to be strong, i tried to smile and tell her she was overthinking it. but in my mind i was screaming. i became the mom. i changed diapers and spanked the toddler and made the boys clean the house while i tried to cook dinner. my dad needed me, he was at work all day. but even through all that, i was able to hangout with grace and courtney and abigail and my boyfriend at the time. me and grace and abigail went to the beach a ton, and we snuck out to eat ihop at two in the morning. we hung out all the time. i was too stressed out to have a favorite song.
july//
my birthday month. i was signed up for two summer camps. and we had already paid for one of them, at dallas baptist university. i was super excited. my mom wasnt getting any better, but any time they could, my parents let me leave the house. they knew i was stressed out, even with as hard as i tried to hide it. i went bowling, i went to the beach more, i hung out with my boyfriend. i tried hard to leave behind my anxiety and pure terror and live in the moment. i tried to pretend to be like any other teen. even though i was dirt poor and my mom was suffering an undiagnosed illness. even though i have dealt with severe depression since i was 10. even though our lights got turned off sometimes and we didnt have any good food to eat. even though i cried myself to sleep every single night. i tried to fit in. i failed. but i had fun with grace and abigail and my bf. at the end of the month i had both my summer camps. but suddenly, my mom got even worse. i didnt think it was possible. she couldnt even talk. she couldnt sit up. she couldnt eat. she lost so much weight that my old clothes were too baggy on her. i remember one terrifying night, her heart just paused. out of the blue. and then her body started freezing up, she couldnt move, she could barely slur her words. as my dad carried her to the car, she said "im dying" and we all believed it. i stared off blankly, not willing to let them see how weak i really was. and as my dad drove away in the middle of the night, i thought that would be the last time i would ever see my mom. i sent the boys to bed and then i closed my door and sank to my knees and sobbed so hard i couldnt think. i was screaming internally, so loud that i couldnt hear anything. i asked God "why?" so many times. but somehow, my mom came back home, still sick, still alive. and those doctors didnt diagnose her. it makes me angry to this day. she was so sick that i just didnt go to dallas baptist university. i stayed home and watched the kids. i cleaned endlessly, i cooked. i ironed my dad's clothes. and i would take showers and sob and sob and sob for hours. but then my boyfriend surprised me for my bday with abigail and grace and it was a great day. but even through that day i just realized "im 16 and ive turned into a stressed out mom." i also helped courtney out with her home birth, the day before my birthday. and i havent seen her or the baby since, because the moved:( my favorite song was something, but i cant remember what. im glad i dont remember.
august//
i went to camp eagle. it was amazing. i poured out my heart to my youth group. i grew closer to God. i got a ton of weird bug bites that still scar my leg. i got high off of benadryl. my camp counselors, sophie and kendall, became all of our best friends. but specifically sophie and i have kept in touch. she is still praying for me to this day. grace was there and her, ms. amy, anna kate, and i would stay up talking all night. i was crying when we left camp eagle. i got back home and miraculously my mom got better. one day she just started walking again. and i was so happy, i thanked God a million times. me and my friends went to the strand one last time for the summer. i was starting to think that maybe things would get back to normal. i was very, very wrong. my favorite song was "new light" by john mayer. me and my boyfriend hung out all the time, and we always played that song. school started and i threw myself into it. but even though i was a junior now, i couldnt afford to take any classes. so i stayed home and did it all online. my dad didn't have a job again. things got financially tougher than before. but i was starting to hope again. just a tiny bit.
september//
i started going to small group with grace. and i became good friends with the kids there. even though i didnt know them too well, i loved the passion they had for Jesus. my boyfriend asked me to homecoming and took me out to sushi. then we went to grace's house and did the boy's makeup. i was so happy he had given me a hoco proposal. it was kinda a chill month. our finances weren't doing too well, however. i have always been one to stress out over other people's problems, and this was no exception. i would say a lot more good things happened this month than usual. my favorite song was probably "candy wrappers" by summer salt and "august" by no vacation.
october//
i started weight lifting. and that was probably one of the smartest things i had ever done. i started with deadlifting 20 pounds lol. but i was just a beginner, and i had never been good with upper body strength. it was also homecoming month. the theme was country/barn dance. i was very excited. but i look back and remember this month as slightly stressful. my boyfriend and i were always bickering. i mean we had a little in the past, but we did a lot more now. early october was fun though, i helped throw annie a surprise bday party. we went to homecoming, which was really fun and energetic. i had loads of fun. then i spent the night at my friends, then went to a volleyball game, then went to rowan's basketball game. and then out of no where things fell apart again. i was across the street watching my little brother play with his friends at a birthday party, and my mom pulls up to our house, and looks at me. tears streaming down her face. and i felt my stomach turn and i felt like i was going to throw up. she said "erick died." and i was shocked. my young, handsome uncle died. in his sleep. at the age of 27, leaving his girlfriend and two kids behind. and i loved him. i didnt see him as much as i wouldve liked, but i loved him. he was sweet and gentle and silly. he was hardworking and generous. when i was younger he and i were best buddies. there are so many pictures of us playing together, sleeping together, at the park together. and he just died. my entire family got together and i heard my grandpa crying, my aunt weeping, my older brother with tears running down his face. and i cried too. i cried because we didnt get a goodbye. he just left. we didnt get to tell him we loved him one last time. and he wasnt a believer. the rest of october was rough. we all missed him. and a few days later i told my mom that i had already had my first kiss. and that was interesting. she wasnt mad, just surprised. my fave song that month was "sunflower" by post malone and swae lee.
november//december
hardest months of the year. me and my boyfriend were arguing again. i told him we could just take a break and he seemed to agree. i was desperate, feeling rejected by the one person i loved more than anyone on earth. and he told everyone that he was trying to serve God, that God was telling him we shouldnt be together, that it was God's will. but to my face he told me i was hard to love, controlling, dramatic. he told me i was foolish to trust him, that i was immature, that he was disappointed in me. i started believing what he said about me. i started believing i was hard to love, problematic, foolish, immature. and guys, i fell hard into depression. i couldnt move. crying so hard i couldnt breathe. i lost almost 10 pounds that month, every time i tried to eat i couldnt keep it down. i was crying when i cleaned, crying with my friends, crying when i heard any love song. i couldnt sleep, i would fall asleep at 4 in the morning, not being able to bear my broken heart. but guys.....one day, it just clicked!!! i realized that i wasnt all those harsh things that my boyfriend had said about me. i realized my worth isnt in what some teenage boy says about me. i saw myself for what i was, a strong, beautiful, creative, talented child of God. and a human couldnt take away that confidence!!! i look back on the past year and half we were together and see that my boyfriend never really loved me, he thought he was in love with me. and that isnt what i deserve. i deserve someone who is truly in love with me, my inward character. my spirit. i deserve someone who builds me up, not tears me down. and i felt unworthy of being fought for by him, but the beautiful thing is, Jesus didnt think that. He fought for me!!!! im over the tears, im over the apologizing. im ready to move on and be so freaking happy. to this day, all i want for him is happiness. and im thankful God has shown me my worth. im so happy, my heart is overflowing with the peace of God and the love he has given me. and then i found out i am moving to portland, oregon next month!!!!! when i first heard it was was so sad i thought i was going to die of sorrow. but i prayed "Lord please change the desires of my heart to be in line with your will, because you promise to give us the desires of our hearts Lord." AND HE DID!!! im so happy to be moving to oregon now, God is faithful:") i just know im going to have the best time there, and meet so many people God wants me to meet!!!!
BTW GUYS NOW IM DEADLIFTING 100 POUNDS AND IVE LOST 2 AND A HALF INCHES AROUND MY WAIST AND IM ACTUALLY GETTING STRONG LIKE WHAT
this year was crazy. but here i am, at the end of it all, victorious and free in Christ.
xx, seiji