random rambles//personal
hey guys! i feel like i havent sat down and just typed on this blog in a while. i have a lot of things i wanna say and things that i wanna express to you (whoever reads this tiny blog anyways) i have been dealing with some inward stuff that i have noticed seeping out and ruining my mood, or my actions. mainly self worth issues. so im going to try to make this neat and not so rambling (even though this post is a random ramble lol)
so self confidence is something i have dealt with a ton all my life, but more recently in the past few years. i feel like some people might deal with this less, but i am a very aesthetically driven person. looks dont mean everything to me, they just give me a lot of happiness. whether its pretty packaging on food, interesting clothes, or magazines with perfect layouts, i enjoy beautiful things. and as an artist, i get very competitive with what i create versus other artists. and i feel like recently (like a year or two) i have been completely obsessed with beautiful things. i am over critical of packaging, clothes, movie posters, billboards. and its starting to spill over into my personal life. the way i look, the way other girls look. the clothes they wear versus the clothes i wear. the things the listen to versus what i listen to. i started over analyzing everything about other girls, and getting down on myself if i didnt have a beautiful everything like they seemed to have
i wanted to have the prettiest clothes, the prettiest songs, the prettiest art, the prettiest face. and it started becoming extremely dangerous mentally. i couldnt enjoy myself if i went swimming with other girls, comparing my body to their's. i couldnt enjoy myself in public places bc i was soooooo preoccupied with how the other girls looked and how i looked. any time a girl would post anything on any kind of social media, i would zoom in and stare at the picture. and i wanted whatever they had. i would cry if i didnt like a picture i was in. i would cry if another girl had a pretty figure. i would beat myself up and wish my art was better, my figure was better, my clothes, my music, my laugh, my face, my nails, my everything.
im not saying i have it all perfect now, but i am trying. and i think that the start of changing yourself is realizing your problem. and somehow these past few years i slipped into self loathing. change is so hard. but there are things that have helped me a lot. mentally, spiritually, physically. here are a few things that i like to tell myself and/or do that help me:
- God made you the way you are. there are things you can change, and there are things you cant. i cant change the way i gain weight, i cant change how pale i am, or my freckles, or the sound of my laugh. and thats ok. God made me and thought that i was beautiful. He thinks my freckles are pretty and He thinks the sound of my laugh is pretty. who am i to tell God i hate myself? that i hate the way i look? thats like a spit in the face to Him.
- hating your outward appearance doesnt do anything for your inward appearance. self loathing is a form of selfishness. i always tell myself this: "even if im not the prettiest girl in the room, i can have the prettiest heart." and that should mean waaayyyy more to you than how you look.
- trying is the most important thing. i dont like my art? try harder. dont compare to other people's art, just take inspiration from them. see a girl with some killer abs? dont get down on yourself, go hit the gym. like that girl's clothes? compliment her and ask where she got it from. there are so many alternatives we could take. get into the mentality of always striving your hardest to work for what you want, and encourage yourself to keep pushing the limits. getting down on yourself doesnt do anything for anybody.
- look at what you dont need in your life. i dont need girls who bring me down, i dont need people who make me feel sad. i dont need to scroll endlessly through instagram at girls who seem to have it all together. i dont need to zoom in on pictures of girls who are prettier than me. i dont need to be so hard on the things i create. i dont need to have "friends" that create drama out of nothing.
thats kinda all i wanted to say, and share with you guys. you can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time, trust me.
x, seiji