random rambles// kinda poem, kinda not
im so lost
why cant i love the person that i look at in the mirror?
she looks so broken and confused, so alone and upset.
she looks so mediocre, so uninteresting.
when i see the people who walk past me in confidence, i feel the power of it like a bullet.
i dont like who i am.
this messy silly girl, the one who laughs loudly at everything,
the girl who cant afford trendy clothes and who bites her nails.
the girl that is still scared of the dark and who cant do her hair.
the girl that has mostly guy friends, who still likes kid tv shows.
the girl that even when she splurges and tries to look cute, feels silly all the same.
the girl that cant buy new furniture without getting paint stains on it.
the girl that tries to talk about things that interest her, only to realize they dont interest anyone else.
the girl that tries to be honest, but when she is, she is shunned.
the girl that loses all her hairbands, and whose hair is uncontrollable.
the girl who never has a pair of clean socks, much less cute ones.
the girl that has one pair of gym shorts, and they have a hole in the back.
the girl that has never been popular.
the girl that wants to be cool, but all the things that are "cool"...she doesnt like.
i just want to know...how can i feel so isolated, and be so mediocre? how can i be labelled as a freak, and still blend into the background?
how can someone so so normal, be all alone in a world that is full of so many souls? where can i find the people for me? and why cant i learn to love all of my flaws? i can go with the flow, or i can be honest with myself, and love the things i love. but when i love the things i love, i am alone...and when i love the things i dont love, i am not happy. im either happy and alone, or upset and "popular". which is worse?
what i want is a true relationship. i want someone who will build me up in Christ, who will understand when i am down, who will listen to me, who will be there for me. i am tired of everyone i meet being fake. so many girls i have looked at and thought "maybe we will be friends", but turns out she already has friends, and they dont want to be mine. girls that cant have a real conversation without throwing in "yas" or "hashtag" or "goals". why cant they be real with themselves? are they happy, are they really truly happy? i dont know.
i am not sure what the point of this ramble is, i just have a lot of feelings that needed to be poured out. i am not as depressed and angsty as this post might make me sound, but i think i am just seeing a lot of insecurity in myself, and a lot of fake relationships. and if i come to terms with who i am, maybe i can find someone who loves me anyways. i know God does, i know that He is here for me like no other, but He also provides human relationships for a reason...i want my own lil tribe. i dont know if this made any sense...thats why i title this "random rambles" lol.
xx, seiji